As I read back over some of the things I wrote while in Kenya, I wonder how that could even be the same person as the one sitting here now. I can honestly say that I’m sickened as I realize how two-faced my human nature can be. How is it possible that I am not completely changed by what I have seen. I should be face down on the ground every day, thanking God that I am not starving, beaten, abused, sick, even mutilated/circumcised. How is it possible that I am living my life in such pampered abundance, doing absolutely nothing about what I have seen. Things are not the same. But what do I even do about that? Where do I go from here? Am I content with just taking this summer as a “learning experience”?
When I got off the plane a month ago, some part of me just wanted to shut out what I had seen. I can tell you that it is very difficult to have so many thoughts but no direction for them, and very few to share with who will TRULY get it. Its easier for me to make myself busy, in order to deal with the difficult stuff later. Maybe never.
It was extremely strange, after two months of virtual isolation from the world I know, to be dropped back into everything so fast. Its was overwhelming to play catch up with everything in my life that had been on “pause” for something I felt was much greater. My thoughts quickly became consumed with the present, the material, and the self-centered. In some ways, I feel like I’ve let people down, saying and experiencing one thing, while acting like a completely different person. Unfortunately for me (us?), actions never lie. So I’m thanking the Holy Spirit for conviction, wisdom, and especially for grace. This isn’t the first time I’ve been completely humbled by the weakness of my flesh, and it won’t be the last.
I may not know the answers, but I don’t want to ignore the questions anymore. I won’t settle for a life of to-do lists just to avoid whats real and sometimes painful. It’s a lot harder for me to fully trust in God here at home, when it seems like I have so much of my own control over things, but His grace allows me to continually give over my life to Him.
“God loves me. I’m not here just to fill a place, just to be a number. He has chosen me for a purpose. I know it.” Mother Theresa
